Cryptogram Quips

Decode this encrypted quip by replacing each coded letter with the original letter.

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He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. On the other hand, you have different fingers. It doesn't matter if you win or lose - until you lose. It works better if you plug it in. It's easier to give up good habits than bad ones. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. When you stand up to be counted, someone will take your seat. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. A little inaccuracy can save a lot of explanation. A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. A single fact can spoil a good argument. All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored. Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.