Cryptogram Cat Quips

Decode this encrypted quip by replacing each coded letter with the original letter.

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Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. A dog knows when you're sad and will try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. Dogs have owners, cats have staff. The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal - or better yet, as the superior it knows itself to be. There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person. Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, "Teach me everything you know." I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jumpstart cars. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. A cat's hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other. If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh. I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. Any cat who misses a mouse pretends it was aiming for the dead leaf. The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference. One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it's affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously. You own a dog but you feed a cat. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. I have a cat, the pet that ranks just above a throw pillow in terms of required responsibility. Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place. You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do. Everything comes to those who wait... except a cat.