Pun Loving Cryptogram Jokes

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. Police were called to a daycare center today where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns." I said, "Who, me?" Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now. Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything! What do you says when you're comforting a grammarian? There, their, they're... Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. I have a speed bump phobia, but I'm slowly getting over it. "I only have diamonds, clubs and spades," said Tom heartlessly. "Don't add too much water," said Tom with great concentration. "That little devil didn't tell the truth," Tom implied. "I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. A new type of broom just came out, and it's sweeping the nation! When William joined the army, he really disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. I wrote a novel about a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you! I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber. I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense. What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree. How did the girl turtle increase her chances of winning the race? She got a hare banned. Why don't smart shoppers ever buy rowboats? Because they never have sails on them. Where is a one pound weight loss like losing seven pounds? In dog pounds. She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill. What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.