Cryptogram Cat Quips

Decode this encrypted quip by replacing each coded letter with the original letter.

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Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. When you come home, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. A dog knows you're sad and tries to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. Dogs have owners, cats have staff. The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal - or better yet, as the superior it knows itself to be. There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person. Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, "Teach me everything you know." Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. A cat's hearing is designed to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other. If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh. I was told that cat training was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. Any cat who misses a mouse pretends it was aiming for the dead leaf. The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously. You own a dog but you feed a cat. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place. You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do. Everything comes to those who wait... except a cat.