The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Don't spend all your money on a safe.
The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
Always do exactly what your boss would do if he knew what he was talking about.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Anyone can admit to themselves that they were wrong. The true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Anything adjustable will eventually need adjustment.
Anything good is either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of demand.
As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
Calamities are of two kinds: (1) misfortunes to ourselves, and (2) good fortune to others.
Changes in new models should be so attractive as to create dissatisfaction with past models.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't force it - get a larger hammer.
Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes men and rivers crooked.
Free time that unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
The further away the future is, the better it looks.
The guy you beat out of a prime parking space is the one you have to see for a job interview.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If it works, it's out-of-date. If it's good, they'll stop making it.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
If we knew what we were getting into, we would never get into anything.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem.
If you don't care where you are, you're not lost.
If you don't need it and don't want it, there is always plenty of it.
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.
Keep in mind that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
Look around the table. If you don't see a sucker, get up, because you're the sucker.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
We all have the strength to endure the misfortune of others.
When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble.
Cryptogram Cat Quips
Cryptogram Comics - Animals
Cryptogram Quips
Cryptogram Quotes
Quote, uh...